The Number of the Beast?

Dear ZandB,

I need your help! When I opened my daughter’s registration packet for an upcoming Feis, I was very disturbed by the competition number assigned to her: 666. I didn’t think “that” number was used in Feiseanna. My daughter refuses to compete with it and spent the last two hours running around the house screaming “I don’t want to be the spawn of the devil”. We had to hose her down just so she could collect her wits long enough to eat dinner. Should I call the Feis Committee and ask for another number? Should my daughter even attend the Feis with an omen like that hanging over her head? What should we do?

Distraught Feis Mom.

Dear Distraught Feis Mom,

Now I wouldn’t worry much because according to the Bible, “This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666.” (Revelation 13:18).

OK, now that I’ve re-read that a few times, I guess I’d be worried myself.

But I did some checking around and discovered that the beast had more than one number. For Example:

666 – The number of the beast.

668 – The next door neighbor of the beast

715.99 – The number of the beast with tax, title and tags.

625 – The OBO of the beast

DCLXVI – The Roman numeral of the beast.

4.23 – The price of Fresh Ground Beast per pound this week at Piggly Wiggly

159 – The Overall score of the beast after converting to Irish Points.

M666A1 – The military designator for Beast, Biblical, Apocalyptic

1,072 – The number in kilobeasts

So you see, virtually every number is the number of the beast. Why I’ll hazard that I even missed a few myself...

Help! They're Banning Feis Coolers!

Dear ZandB,

I was just reading the Feis Syllabus for this weekend and it says, “No Coolers or Outside Chairs”. When I called the Feis Chairperson as to why these items weren’t allowed, she said that they had plenty of bleacher space and that no “outside food” was permitted. When I started to assure her that I would be bringing “inside food” we must have lost our connection or something cause the line went dead. ZandB, what am I gonna do? I’m not a bleacher gal; I need to sit up close to the stage! And how am I gonna keep my RC Cola cold? I need help!

Distraught Feis Mom

Dear Distraught Feis Mom,

Feis committees put warnings against prohibited items for one reason, and that’s to let you know what you have to hide when you enter the building. Now you have plenty of options here. You could get one of those smaller soft-sided coolers that can hold a few soda cans and hide them in virtually any small bag or Feis Bucket. For the larger coolers, you just have to be a little more imaginative.

I myself have used coolers with warning signs of “Live Reptiles” or “Live Iguanas” quite successfully in the past, and a well made warning label on the cooler is usually enough to ward off all but the most daring “Feis Guards”. When someone asks why you need a live reptile, just smile and wink when you say, “Stick around for the treble reel competition and see for yourself!”



If you can keep an incredibly straight face and serious demeanor, I would recommend something a little more “esoteric”. My favorite is the “Organ Donor Cooler”. Most people just stare quietly and are too polite to ask, but for the one or two daring ones, my response is typically, “The doctor said it could be any day now... and well, we just want to be ready”.



Now for the chair thingy. I know what you mean about the bleachers. I’ve tripped on a few of those myself so I would recommend a “two-fur” and solve the cooler/chair problem in one swoop with the patented ZandB Feismobile Cooler. When the guy with the little wrist tape thingy’s looks at you riding past and asks, “What is that”, you simply wink and say, “Your Medicare dollars at work honey, your Medicare dollars at work.”

Catharsis

My words like cats in the garden play
And can’t be found when I need them
They nap in the sun for most of the day
And come inside when I feed them

Preview of this year's new line of Feis T-Shirts

How to Avoid the "Double Whammy"

Dear ZandB

I desperately need your help!

Six months ago my daughter switched dance schools for reasons I do not want to address here. Now, six months later, we have seen the error of our ways and she is switching back to her original TCRG. She already served the original “six month restyling period” and we just found out she will have to go through yet another “six month restyling period”. My daughter is going crazy because, well frankly, she needs a Feis hit...bad. At first I thought she had it under control but this morning when I was cleaning out her room, I found (I’m almost too embarrassed to say this) a cheerleading magazine! Is there any way to help get my daughter back in to Feis mode? I don’t think she’ll survive another six months so I’ll try anything!

Distraught Feis Mom.

Dear Distraught Feis Mom,

Your daughter is not the first nor will be the last dancer to face this situation. In a effort to protect dancers from the ravages of “The Double Whammy” as it is now called, a secretive group of compassionate Feis Moms, TCRGs and Tanning Salon owners collectively referred to as members of “The Rince Code”, have banded together to create the “Irish Dancer Witless Protection Program”.

Under the “Irish Dancer Witless Protection Program” your daughter will be given a complete new “Irish Dance” identity which will allow her to compete, in a discreet manner, at select out-of-town Feiseanna. She will be given a new dance dress, appropriate to her grade, wig, facial make over and registration credentials for eFeis and Feisworx which include the name of fictitious dance school and TCRG.

Transportation to and from the Feis will be provided along with the services of a highly trained and qualified surrogate Feis Mom who will assist your daughter in what ever manner required while still maintaining the “veil of secrecy” required of members participating in the “Irish Dancer Witless Protection Program”.

Your daughter will continue to maintain her current daily routine with her friends, school and family, only assuming her “secret identity” on “Feis Day”.

Neither her current or previous TCRGs will be made aware of this situation and your daughter will be free to “Feis as she pleases” during this trying six month period.

Regrettably, because of the secretive nature of this program, no public acknowledgement will be made of any of her competition results and, as such, the dancer will not be able to advance to the next higher grade or participate in major championships as a result of her placements while a member of the program.

The “Irish Dancer Witless Protection Program” has enjoyed an incredible one hundred percent success rate in creating a safe haven for over seventy five dancers like your daughter. A member of “The Rince Code” will be contacting you shortly.

ZandB